I've been spending a decent amount of time trying to setup my 'backend' for this site, and not enough time actually making any content for it. I've decided to just write journal entries manually for the time being. I have a tendency to get sucked into rabbit holes. This site is currently being built upon a system of sorts that takes specially formatted files and generates html files from them. I won't go into much detail now, but getting all of that set up is sucking time out of actually making 'content' for the site.
Anyways, I took a trip last week that was very nice. I had a cool rental to drive around the city, and that's mostly what I did. Within a week I put almost 2000 miles on it. That was driving the same route like, every day/night, multiple times a day even. I went to see and stay in a relative's new house, and it was very nice. Much better than their last place for sure. I talked to a good friend of mine on the phone a lot. Someone who I had a falling out with very long ago. I started talking to them again after cutting off another relationship of mine at the time (that was very unhealthy, and likely to be talked about later).
I got back home yesterday. I hung out with my only friend in the area all afternoon before taking my cat he was watching back home. It was decent timing as it was night and I can only take her back then cause I'm not supposed to have her in my apartment and I don't want to risk my landlord seeing her. They're old, so I assume that as long as I bring her back at night its very likely they wont drive by as I'm carrying her back in. I've felt odd since coming back. I'm back to my extremely monotonous schedule. I work as a software engineer developing a game and engine for a very small indie company. Its completely remote, so I really don't interact with people much. Mostly my boss on workdays, sometimes friends at night. Lately (the last, month or so) I've not really been hopping in calls with friends like I was before. I quit drinking recently because it was becoming a problem. It became common for people to tell me things I said or did that I could not remember and one night a couple of friends of mine had a chat with me about my behavior over the last couple of months. They said they were worried because I had disappeared for awhile and that after reappearing I was much more aggressive than I had been before. It was mostly the drinking.
Drinking is a very easy way for me to feel comfortable socializing. Problem is that I also become careless about what I say or do. The people who had that chat with me are people who I sort of began to resent for awhile (aside from one of them). They sort of became a group of people who I just found entertaining to watch and sometimes poke fun at. There's a lot of things I dislike about most of them and when I drank I would be quite mean to a couple of them. A large reason why I began to see them this way was due to the horrible relationship I found myself in with a long time friend of mine, where I had become co-dependent on them and saw them as the only person I ever wanted to interact with. Very obsessive and unhealthy. When I broke that off (by admitting this to them) I began drinking as a way to cope. That last for maybe 2-3 months... I don't actually remember. Unfortunately I look on that time fondly. I was happier than I am now. I mostly just smoke WEED now which was a habit of mine during that relationship. I had quit it because it was beginning to make me extremely anxious about various things and also just made me lazy. I haven't felt that that much this time but I'm sure I will.
Social isolation is a giant problem for me. Ever since graduating college I have met almost no new people (aside from some people online) and daily I normally don't speak to more than maybe 2-3 people. I live in the middle of nowhere simply because rent is so cheap and its near home. Recently I lived out of state, where my lifestyle was worse, but I was happier there too. I don't have it in me to discuss details, but ever since coming back home its felt like the world is working against me. Everything I've tried to do to improve my life has just fucked me over, starting with moving home. I came back partly because two of my closest friends lived here (one being that BAD relationship), but both have moved away. One will come back, but around the turn of the year, I had a p bad mental break (or at least it seemed like it to me), because the person I had been obsessed with suddenly revealed they would be moving away. On top of my obsession, I was also extremely stressed about being alone again. It has been quite awful.
I don't know, I guess that's all I have to say for now. Now I have to figure out how to nicely get this onto the server.